10 Signs You Marry The Wrong Person
By Dov Heller
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married.
The classic mistake! NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL!! The Golden Rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can expect people to change after their married…for the worst!” So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than their character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love” often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character?
Here are four characteristics to definitely check for:
* Humility: -Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort?
* Kindness: - Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people?
* How does s/he treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to?
* Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity?
* Responsibility: -Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he is going to do?
* Happiness: -Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life?
- Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself:
Do I want to be more like this person?
Do I want to have a child with this person?
Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
a) Chemistry and compatibility
b) Share common interests
c) Share common life goal.
Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re living for while you are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate… two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
4. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. Yes, you should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc., but do you actually respect and admire this person who possesses these qualities?
Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?